~One In A Million~

2009-12-03T22:37:00.002+08:00

I see I haven't been here for quite a while.

There hasn't reeeally been anything new to write about I guess, with the last A-level paper tmr, it's been studying twenty-four seven the past month or so.

Who am I kidding, I've spent the past 10 days going out, spending money lavishly (over extravagantly) and precipitously, wasting time, hanging out and just doing about the farthest thing away from studying.

And I don't regret it one bit, nuh-uh, no, not a single second had been wasted.

Well, more could have been done to salvage whatever was salvageable from TSD theory..

It's been a damn fine two years, wouldn't have done anything differently I think.

But since I kinda do, without any thinking, I wouldn't know how things would have worked out if I had actually thought through stuff now would I.

And I guess that's the beauty of life.

The mystery of ambiguity and the force of curiousity, powering through everything logical and rational.

Time well spent.

2009-11-06T01:19:00.003+08:00

Dawn of a new era in my life? Probably.

We are who we are now because of who we were in the past. And by that logic, who we are now will dictate who we are in the future.

Past, present, future, I'm pretty sure we'd meet soon. And at that time, we'd have drinks and laugh over a warm crackling fire.

Change is in effect, because all good things, start with me.

Ends with me too.

2009-10-18T12:03:00.002+08:00

Haven't been able to pen my thoughts down (or rather, type, whatever)not because there hasn't been time. God knows that I've been spending too much time on unneccesary things instead of being a good student and studying.

But I've got a lot to say, but when it gets to saying things, something always gets in the way.

I guess as always, I'm just waiting for the perfect time. Holding back, holding back, tantalus-ing, and BAM, before I know it, all gone.

Sad isn't it.

Okay, reflection time.

The past 2 school years has really been characterised by well, the phrase 'that was close'. From rushing last moment to fulfil a stroke of theatric genius (I don't care what they say, I'm mega proud of my sudden inspiration without which I'd have been literally left with nothing) to ALMOST, but not quite (rather contrary actually), committing social suicide. Oh gosh, I believe that moment of stupidity, extreme irrationality and I must say, a real lack of planning, remains the single most haunting memory in JC life. Right Aloy (except of course Aloy, you do have many other moments to match it!! Like, the l-a-c-e-thing etc.)

But one thing, I must say, is that I don't regret any bit of it. NOt a chance, nuh-uh. My brother set me thinking the other day. What if I fell through the net, and did not return to the school and was instead left stranded in a hostile environment which (no offense to them) would definitely be unable to inspire my brilliant (okay, this is subjective) mind.

That was close.

No doubt, there would've been an extreme polarity between the person that I would have been nurtured to be. And I thank God, for 'moving mountains' and making miracles. Of course, the hard part is not letting everyone down. I cannot help but feel that the weight of more than a few big shot's rationality and perceptiveness rides on the back of my end results. So too the hopes for second chances for people in the same predicament as myself.

Gosh darn it, I'll miss the school, the people, the everything. I've been really fortunate, to be part of probably the two greatest institutions possible, which really taught me how to live and love, and love to live.

No regretzxz.

And right now, the clock ticks on, waiting, tantalizing, crafting, that one opportune, moment.

Searsly.

2009-10-01T22:16:00.001+08:00

Let's just get it started, this time,
all you've ever wanted, is in your arms,
just let it take you where you wanna go,
just let it tell you what you wanna know.

mhmmmm

2009-09-19T15:14:00.002+08:00

And once I knew that there was a divergence in expectation, I knew they'd lost me. Oh well, it was a great journey in any case.

Stats.

IST.

The Beatles.

Pick the odd one out.

Ahh.

Why, hello there...

2009-09-16T18:07:00.003+08:00

'The night is darkest just before the dawn' - This still remains the definitive movie quote of the last two years in my opinion.

In all honesties, I really thought that I wasn't going to make it through the last couple of nights, but I'm more than content with the results, even though the black and white might not reflect that personal victory.

It's lighting up now, and I guess, despite the fact that I have 4 plays to start reading from absolute zilch, actually you know what, no, this is fucked.

2009-09-05T19:50:00.002+08:00

And so, it was with the aid of an extremely uncomfortable square sofa that resulted in that fragmented illusion of a dream, which made me realise thereafter.

Oh, it could have been just the greatest thing ever.

And so we beat on..

2009-09-01T20:57:00.001+08:00

Fuck you, I don't need your subtle jibes and probes, ever thought why I never asked for round 2?

2009-08-31T18:10:00.001+08:00

It looks like this little slice of heaven is here to stay, I'm all up for that.

Anberlin was great, period.

2009-08-29T01:43:00.000+08:00

I blog, because I can. I go for supper on weekdays because I can. I do what I do, because I can. And I like it this way, yay.

Argh, I just wanna lie in the sun, get a nice tan, and basically do nothing except to sip icy cool pink lemonade and read a thriller or two.

I guess, there's just some things that I can't do after all. Not right now anyways, but I'd be back.

I always come back.

And for all you knobheads who think that I'm not around enough to know what's going on, you're half right.

I'm not around, but I know what's going on. So yeah, no need for pretenses, you get what you seek, I'll deliver for sure.

As for this new colour in the wind, it'd take some time to paint the background of a portrait with.

2009-08-23T23:11:00.002+08:00

Just that little widdle one more show of unwavering return, and I swear, it's time to let it all crystallize.

Take me out of the blue this time.

And so, another week has passed, and I guess studying pace has been satisfactory, much improvement on consistency or concentration would really be nice though, but the more I try to flood my mind with information about nihilism, hubris, politicks, south-east asian economy, the cold war, romanticism and such likes, the more the dormant stuff in my mind rises up from the depths and pushes its' way out.

Ah, i on is a pretty nice place, abit too mazy for my liking, but i suppose once all the shops are functional, it'd be pretty pretty. The marketplace there is brilliant.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows. Now, that's what I'm talkin' about.

So, there's no such word as 'desensitivisation'. Just wrong spelling.

2009-08-15T13:26:00.003+08:00

I think that, sometimes, I tend to bring my work-mind abit too far in my personal mind. Especially the SBQ thought process. I mean, I've been ceaselessly analysing things using comparison, cross-referencing, contextual knowledge, tone, language.

And I've come to the conclusion. Same story, told at least four times over just this year alone, not willing to just jump anymore.

Ahhhhhhhh.

Indecision has chosen promptly to annoy me.

At least I'm trying to try. Quite literally though, maybe next year.

It's sad when people make self-dedcutions that they are important and matter alot ... and they're often right.

We are capricious beings.

2009-08-10T16:06:00.003+08:00

What a whimsical weekend.

I mean, the rain, the fireworks, the starbucks coffee, the "juno" movie, the food, the dog, the failed attempts at studying, the music, the company, I wish I could just en-bubble-late this slice of paradise and float away into oblivion.

I refuse to budge from this high ground which I'm perched upon.

Ahhhh, suddenly acquired a couple of Bellefire and MLTR songz, shuckks, and I was just about to go study too :(

Guess that'd have to wait.

And there are just some things which can never be forgotten, and I thank you all for that.

Now then, I think I've got a new chapter to write.

Double you, tea, hedge.

2009-08-08T21:14:00.000+08:00

Chancing upon a very quaint coincidence, which really just makes me wonder if there is such a thing as fate, or destiny or anyother of that non-spontaneous let's leave-it-to-everything-except-our-own-feelings kind of thingamajig.

I mean, it doesn't actually matter if there are certain themes and motifs which recur here and there to reinforce a point of validation.

As the sweltering heat poured sweat down my back yesterday morning during our piteous attepmt at inter-house glory, it dawned upon me that this whole big thing that I've been worrying myself to death about, might just kill me.

And of course, there's the usual sentimentality, I mean, who can resist a little reminiscence here and there right?

Tomorrow's a new day, which ushers a beginning of a new week, which would eventually lead to a new month that zips and becomes a new year.

But why is it the same damn story, over and over again.

Surprisingly enough, I actually feel happy, as if this is all I ever wanted :)

I Believe In Miracles

2009-08-06T22:55:00.002+08:00

The week has passed, not as eventful and stuff, I guess life's back to normal again. The euphoria and thrill, and to a certain extent, novelty of it all has kinda died down, and life's returning to its original normality. Believe me, I would actually llike to have this mode of life keep going on and on for as long as possible, but I guess due to some absurdly obvious factors, that's not going to happen.

Abyssmal CT2 results for one.

It's been a good run, but as this race draws near to an end, so I can either be tempted to stop for a drink being implicitly offered by spectators, or I can go full on.

An alternate hypothesis of course, is to grab a drink and gulp it down to en route to the end.

since you came along, you sexy thing.

Not the face, not the beautiful face! (Since hair is no longer a factor)

2009-08-03T22:27:00.002+08:00

So, the new haircut has been met with quite a reception, I must say.

After our 1 hour of don't-know-what-the-hell-was-that, we all got to taste (note I said 'taste' not 'eat') some cake, cleaned the treehouse (eh Aloy?) and saw Zaki pass his NAPFA.

I could not have asked for a better school day. Actually, I could have. A minor bout of diarrhoea towards the end spoilt it, and I had to leave school early.

Promise. Well, yeah, that was one reason.

People from hell are a match made in heaven.

At The End Of The Day, All I'd Get From Them Is This Darn Hairline.

2009-07-29T20:44:00.000+08:00

Why, hello there, annonymous readers whom I hope exist secretly. How've you been doing? Fine I presume, well, that's just perfect!

Life's sweet, and it can only get sweeter. Well of course some times things will taste sour and bitter, but the taste transits to its pure sweetness after awhile. And yes, I am being philosophical here, I've learnt to open my mind, and boy, has that paid dividends.

Now, what am I waiting for?

Hmmm..

The thrill of the deal is real.

Move Over Inversion, Hail Reflection

2009-07-26T12:09:00.004+08:00

This has truly been a remarkable week, furbished with memories of Harry Potter, a crazy dash from the Fullerton to Clarke Quay and of course, a delightfully (boring for me as I was ushering) nostalgic 25th Anniversary dinner. Not that I'm complaining, but I guess I would have much rather have spent $50 sitting in the crowd than standing around hunting for macaroons and tiramisu shot glasses.

Sammy Lee waved at my brother and I, and Kenny Daglish gave us a thumb's up. Proof? Check Facebook really, a picture speaks a thousand words. So I guess there are about thirty-three thousand words being spoken there.

A funny thing happened to me a few moments ago, I was watching a Veronica Mars episode (Oooh, Bell is just too cute), a daily ritual where I watch one episode a day to just chill, and suddenly, the theme song seemed more pertinent than ever. There's a sense of relief really, that all that I've been worried about, has resolved itself.

And of course, if the commies know a thing about what's going on, they wouldn't have said all that and risk another Cold War of sorts right? I mean, I'm just saying.

Its okay, it seems I'm here to stay.

I Think Applause is in Order Here?

2009-07-23T22:57:00.003+08:00

Annnnnnnd suddenly, it struck me, everything that had been whizzing through my mega-awesome head of mine just fit into its place, and ka-pish, I have a thought...

Jeremy was right, for once. LOL

Magic, Carpet, Ride.

2009-07-22T21:15:00.003+08:00

Woah, this week may actually turn out to be the most eventful week, ever! There's a quantum increase in energy running within me, and this refreshing perspective which has introduced me to new insights.

Monday, had definitely contained what has to have been one of the most traumatic experiences of my life, short of being heart-stopping and deathly embarrassing. Well actually, it was pretty darn embarrassing, but perhaps in a few days/weeks/months/years, we'd just be able to laugh it off as "one of those things we did in Junior College". The day just simply filled with a polarity of emotions, mentally and emotionally draining, but oh, it turned out fine!!

I kinda forgot Tuesday. Oh right, racial harmony day, our last ones ever as school children, a weak effort, no doubt due to the lack of time to coordinate a concerted effort at dolling ourselves up and immersing in the culture of the other non-chinese races. Oh, Mass Dance filming thingo, was quaint I guess, rather distracted, but given the circumstances, who could blame me? :D

Went cycling with my brother! :D of course, I used the lousy ass bike (oh, the woes of being the youngest) while he paraded his really beautiful fancy one! Worked those thunder thighs, and I remember them being insanely sore when I arrived home. Extremely satisfying though, that little work-out!

And came today, woke up to the raindrops spattering on my face and I couldn't resist the temptation of an extended snooze of about half an hour, late for school, but oh so worth it! Then after an extremely tiresome chain of lessons, due to the drowsiness induced by the weather, decided to skip out earlier to chill at home! Went for the thingo at the Nike shop with Conrad later on, and though I'm not a big basketball fan (by no means actually, it's just fun haha) I guess this is as big as it gets, really. Kobe Bryant, left me rather starstruck in the maze of lights which created a surreal atmosphere.

Well, the past few days have been dreamlike, to say the least. Soooooo darn tired now, I'm gonna sleep! Like, after I bathe of course, still, before 10pm. Oooh, isn't this unprecedented!

a brand new point of view.

Sliver shivers

2009-07-20T22:37:00.003+08:00

For greater things have yet to come,
Greater things are still to be done in this city.

Thanks for everything, for being there when I felt no one was, for always showing me that little silver sliver of hope, for being the ubiquitous presence which made me feel that everything was lovely and brilliant.

Above all,

You're the peace to the restless.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3lW8SV6_gYY

Dearies, we've only JUST begun.

2009-07-18T22:11:00.003+08:00

What a week! :)

TSD praddicurs finally over, and I guess there wasn't any outburst of joyful emotion which I thought there would be, but rather, a gradual realisation that our hard work has culminated in our fine productions. A weight off the shoulders if anything.

Dinner with the class, supper with the guys, chalet with the TSD peeps, basketball with the guys, dinner with the guys, oh dear, an extremely brilliant weekend.

The month could only get better! :D

When my post title threatens to exceed the length of my post itself. Or maybe not, oh, we'd never know now will we.

2009-07-14T22:21:00.002+08:00

You see, my once-upon-a-friend, this time, I'm not there to be the nagging nuisance gnawing away at your knowledge.

Hairy porters probably smell bad. Wouldn't trust them with the gates much.

2009-07-13T23:03:00.003+08:00

And then it occured to me, that perhaps it wasn't my fault, and it hasn't been all this while. Possibly (oh, and this is VERY possibly), I just think too much of myself, and come to think about it, nothing had actually mattered at all.

That's when I started feeling sorry for myself. Oh, being so prone to my boundless imaginations and illusions of grandeur that I forget, that I'm just another small fish in a big pond. A frikkin' huge pond, for that matter.

A-levels, how quaint. I feel the need to excel in this, I'd like to assure everyone, that I do care enough about myself, to try preparing for my presentation once I hit the 'Publish' button. Try.

Otherwise, oh what-the-hell, I'll get on by. I always do. I think.

Oh, it's easier when I've got myself split and stored in seven entities. Like, whats-his-name and his horcruxes.

You know the funny thing about lepers?

2009-07-12T23:53:00.004+08:00

Trust me friends, when I say, coincidences do happen, believe it or not.

I guess the take home point is that of superficiality.

I mean, I have admitted that I am an extremely superficial person, and I'm not ashamed of that. Come on, honestly, at this age, nothing else really matters does it. We can search in vain for that deep underlying 'meaningful-ness' of at all within the volatile adolescent surroundings, but that does not conceal the fact that impressions matter, and impressions change as constantly in a heartbeat. I've been fussing over superficial things, taking most of what I see at face value, subject myself to trivalness. Why though?

Because I can, and because I don't want to slip faster and further into the quagmire of growing up, which means obligatory assumption of the responsibilities which I'm trying my best to shrug.

I'll fight it to the end, I swear, be as superficial as possible, as tit-for-tat, roll-eyes-when-irked, bitch-about-you-to-my-pals kinda superficial.

Of course, I do know, and I vigourously advocate the notion that 'everyone is inherently/fundamentally/generally/basically/essentially a nice person', but I'd let my surface value buy over my judgement.

Oh, of course this post is targeted at people. Why the hell else would I post it up?

'judge, smudge'

Breaking barriers, drowning derangement.

2009-07-09T16:54:00.002+08:00

Yeah, just when I've convinced myself to wipe my record clean, something just comes up and I feel like shit again.

Damn, you really know how to make me feel like the bad guy. Which makes me wonder, how many times I wasn't really there at all.

And this, is precisely why the bricks are piling up in front of me.

On hindsight, perhaps I don't really want my money back after all.

2009-07-03T22:50:00.003+08:00

There's a wonder in 'most everything I see.

Oh,so I guess CTs are over for me. And I guess at the end of the day, I'd probably accept the results without complaint.

But now, bring on the TSD A-Level praddicur.

Yes, life's just one thing after the other, keeping me off my bum, and on my feet.

But you know what's keeping me off my feet and on my toes?

Oh, you don't find them, but it finds you when you least expect it, and hits you when you are least guarded. I'd choose to face it, fight back, and of course, I'd win. I just have to break down a couple of walls here and there.

Before that, please stay off the ground, I think I dropped my balls somewhere, don't step on them!

Belief, is no doubt a beautiful honour.

2009-07-01T09:44:00.003+08:00

There are two things that I'm feeling pretty incredulous about.

Here's number one.

I overslept today (thus explaining why I'm at home, not in school), on the day of my early Common Test maths paper, which I am most definitely going to flunk. Apparently, I overslept my 6.00am alarm, and snoozed for 20 minute intervals between 7.15 and now. Sigh.

Oh, number two's better.

I can't believe that instead of studying and revising in a panicky manner, I'm actually blogging! :D

It's quite scary that I don't feel any like, urgency to start studying and getting my precious arse off to work. Oh, I just wanna enjoy life for all that it's worth. Now, I don't believe the 2012 theory, but still, our time on Earth is limited, and so we should live it to the fullest. Live first, work later!

Oh, and there's another unbelievable thing around..

load the stock lines, i'll ignite the cannon

Yester-face.

2009-06-29T20:22:00.003+08:00

To whoever I'm referring to, hi.

it's been a long time, and everything's neutral. that's good, oh but there's something you never knew you never knew.

.
.

Still don't want to be the blame for wasted time, still no time to spill.

On a separate note, yes, Aloy, I am petty, so shoot me. I'll hate what I hate, I'm be smitten over what gets me smitten, so there! HAHA!

when i wake, first face in mind, not yours, sorry.

Bell probably did like, alot of experiments to invent the telephone, amongst other near-perfections.

2009-06-26T02:34:00.003+08:00

Oooh my gosh. Doesn't she look somewhat familiar :D

Maybe on friday the 13th!!!!

Okay, I sure do hope that I don't do badly for CTs, the forfeit would be terrible! :D

2009-06-21T14:02:00.000+08:00

Sporadic sputter of studying. Sad.

And so I sit at home, awaiting the dread of a confrontation that may not even happen. I guess sometimes, when we don't tie up loose ends, it tends to turn around and bite you back in the butt. Oh, this will not be pleasant, it'd be awkward and tiresome, and I hope it doesn't happen.

You know what they say, you can't contain a fire with paper, it seems, even when the flames have been extinguished.

Oh well.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

To my techno-phobe of a father specimen who would definitely not chance upon this website (I hope), all the best for your endeavours! I want a raise (only so that I can get you a present)!

i promise i'd be kind.

2009-06-18T13:51:00.000+08:00

Leon Yip, forget about the small in-betweens, keep your eye on the big prize.

i.e. forget about the CTs (it's a lost cause anyway), the dreaded 'A's are what truly matters.

Click 'Apply to all', and the press 'Enter'.

Haha, of course, the verdict was confirmed after I finally completed in my quest for acquisation of 'The Big Bang Theory'. Wheeeeeee, late nights, brakes lock, hear my laptop roll!

Veronica Mars seasons 1 -3 coming up slowly but steadily, just because Kristen Bell is so hot and pretttttayyyeee.

Speaking of which, for the first time in my life, I saw a preetteee polka-dotted person. Whoa, that image is caught in my head. Its like, the same as spotting a dodo bird.

So kewt!

2009-06-13T17:49:00.002+08:00

The Big Bang Theory.

I am so screwed for the CTs after that discovery. Thanks alot, Nate, Conrad, and Ah Tay :D

Rash words passed, but this is no lost cause, and somewhere down the lines, the perfectness of circumstance would surely amass and shine through. Or is what they say true, or worst, is the self-proclamation coming to light.

Open the window, and the sun will shine.

2009-06-12T18:11:00.002+08:00

Beat that frown, shake em' down.

The past few days have been totally fun! Which of course, is a slight cause of concern due to the imminent common tests which I'm still dallying over, deciding where to make a start.

Floorball on days studying in school has been great, a few hours of just running around chasing a small ball with a stick, just great fun :D

Eats up like, 4 hours, but the concentration after is just great!

Alright, ciao, dinner soon!

P.S. Darn it, my brother loaded the fridge with durians and now, even my green tea cans have that repugnant taste, eeeewwwwww :(

2009-06-08T15:29:00.002+08:00

I'm waiting for Romeo and Juliet to play on TV, then I'd decide whether or not I'd watch it, haha!

And so I stumbled upon some old blog posts, from not-exactly-all-too-long ago, but distant enough to have faded away into near-oblivion.

This was dated 24th December 2007, a period where I was plagued with many doubts, like, my future school choice, for one.

In conclusion, this year has been the most eventful year for me so far. My bitter-sweet sixteen. I'd reluctantly step into 2008, my heart would be heavy and my mind constantly whirling. JC is a period of possibilities, but I want none of it. Its quite hypocritical I've always tod myself to "live for the moment". Now the moment is gone, there seems to be nothing to live for. Emo as that sounds, I'm alright. I've found things to fill up the voids in my life, music for example, has been the best outlet so far.

This is more recent, 20th December 2008.

A lot of things have changed over the course of twelve short months, I know I sure have. I guess introduction into life in Junior College has had an effect equalling that of an armaegaddon in my life. The upheaval of a system which I had been so used to.

My elitist upbringing was now exposed to a lifestyle which I thought was light years away from my orbit. It showed me new lifestyles, new insights, new perspectives, new meanings. On the whole, these revelations offering me privileged glimpses into the human soul have indeed filled the gaping holes in my quest for ansers, and my brain has absorbed these lessons like sponge.

I have change. Not on my own accord, by no means. Old friends mould me with their timeless quirks, new people enter my life and swept it upside down, leaving behind a their mark.

I shall cut short this rant due to my dying laptop battery.

All in all, as the year approaches a close, I know that as time goes by, the shape of my human nature will be transformed accordingly, and when I do my year-end reflections next year, I will be a completely different person, not even able to recognise that this passage of writing was previously envision from a very same brain, with a very different mind.

Laugh out loud, I swear I'm a seasonal person, these two extracts are almost identical in its reflective style.

Let's see how 2009 turns out eh?

2009-06-07T23:55:00.002+08:00

Oh, my little contradiction.

2009-06-07T00:32:00.004+08:00

You know how it is when you feel that everyone around you is acting strange and different, the most probable case is that you are infact, the one who has been strange and different?

I beg to differ.

This time, I'm the constant.

Think about that.

i ain't never gonna dance again, those guilty feet have got no rhythm.

2009-06-06T11:02:00.000+08:00

"Wise men say, only fools rush in." Through the ages, these "wise men" have been notably dorks or geeks that dedicate their whole life to the study of study. Honorable, but sad, sad, people.

Yesterday's rehearsal was one of the most restless experiences ever, I just couldn't keep still much, save for the half an hour nap induced by "The Plough and the Stars". I had this sudden and untiring compulsion to burst into song, dance, or as E JIN would later say, "partake in merrymaking with friends". Though for about an hour, I had a nice meditating session with the waterfront, where I literally did nothing, and thought of nothing.

Supper was the shizz lah, really. Power-packed. Friday nights just got interesting.

So now, I'm supposed to be at Sentosa at 10, but its 1107, gah. Ice, need more ice.

you really really got to learn to take a chance, not weigh the pros and cons, and dive in, cause you know you wanna.

2009-06-03T17:18:00.000+08:00

And so, today dawns a new day, of sunlight and blessed showers. Yesterday's lessons learnt, realizations met, it's time to build it up again.

What a wonderful world we live in. I'm not quoting the lyrics of song meaninglessly, I mean, look at how the raindrops on the tree reflect the sun into your eye, like emerald droplets in the air, and see how the clouds are architectured to be shapelessly moulded into any thing at all.

I'd be standing in the fields, savouring the picturesquosity of it all, in the day, the sun looks over and dresses the world gold, and in the night, the stars twinkle in approval of all things beautiful.

Stunning.

2009-06-02T21:53:00.003+08:00

So it suddenly dawned upon me, that one day, any day in fact, i would be the one peering through the glass, with the weight in my arm framing the regrets of things not said and done.

Oh, 2nd June 2009, I'll remember to forget you.

Like gravity, everything points towards the ground, and the ashes beneath.

2009-05-31T14:31:00.002+08:00

Oh, how much I missed the thrill of attaining the correct answer of a math question, and now I'm relivin' that sweet gratifying moment.

When I went downstairs for the second time just now (because I returned my rented movies on to find out that I left the second disk of 'Eagle Eye' in the computer), my mp3 player chanced upon the song 'Friday I'm in Love', and somehow, that just calmed me down, and I was suddenly feeling oh so serene!

I'm am so utterly happy with my life right now that I can't stand it! Some paranoic spot in my brain actually speculates that this high would only be followed by a dip in the graph of contentment (abit like kondratiev's cycles eh?), but NO! I won't stand for it! I'll fight malcontent to the end!!

I'm like, reverse Bosola!

Omg, I should stop making un-funny literature-related jokes.

i don't care if monday's blue

2009-05-28T22:17:00.002+08:00

And so, the week flew by, like a big pizza pie, oh, I think it's a-moh-ray!

Okay, and so while I'm being totally hooked on maid-watching, something else blows me away, like never before.

Oh, taken down to the paradise city!

topsy kretts!

2009-05-23T14:11:00.002+08:00

Woah man, today is hot hot hawt!!

The sun is seriously blistering man, it's like 36 degrees or something? Argh, global warming man, oh icebergs, please stop melting? For me? :/

So I missed maths remedial once more, oh well, I really don't know my own stance on maths.. Its quite screwed, but perhaps I should persevere on.

Okay, I'm gonna laze around home till like 4 plus, then join the class for dinner, and then go for the band concert! Yay!

oh, you talk like you're famous, you're shameless.

2009-05-22T22:46:00.002+08:00

Today was a great day, really satisfying and stuff, and I'm so tired now!

I actually did work in school during a free period! Oh my gosh, unprecedented! Like, reading up in depth on the first half of the India-Pakistan conflict, and learning from scratch how too do Binomial distribution, I feel rather accomplished. Of course, they are always people who mar my joy, but I'm used to it, so there.

After that, I slacked for like, EVER!! Seriously man, waiting for nothing to happen between 1 to 3, because the rest of the class was stuck in economics!

I crashed the class (at Sarah Cheong's request), and I totally answered the questions being asked. I would have owned in econs lah, totally.

The girls won soccer! So happy for them, they really worked their socks off and were the more dominant team physically and technically. Was sinking in the atmosphere and experiencing the school spirit. How invigorating.

So that left me going home to have dinner. After dinner, I just fell asleep while watching 'Rogue Assassin' on TV. I've been flitting between consciousness (on the couch) since like, 8.30pm how about that?

Finally gonna bathe (I feel so dirty!) and then gonna sleep in preparation for the long day tomorrow :/

Since my favourite signing off fashion is taken up and I don't want to be deemed as an obvious copy cat, I'd say now,

Au revoir!

now now, I feel the chilling stares,, but oh, I'm too hot to handle so don't get scalded now.

2009-05-21T21:48:00.002+08:00

Oh oh oh, this is going to be pleasant! I'm going to make match, set and game mine, I'm going to be judge, jury and executioner, what ever it is, I'm coming up tops!

Ah, maths, maths, maths. What-ever shall I do about maths? Shalt I drop it? Argh, decisions, decisions, so many decisions. Sigh. I guess I'd persevere on.

Haha, I'm going to try salvaging my mathemtiques now!

expansive, electric, exotic

2009-05-20T20:04:00.003+08:00

I guess its really apparent, that's where I stand. Its okay, it doesn't matter, I'm at peace with it all, and I can live with it.

I'm more than that, and I guess it'd not show now, not that its my loss, in all honesty, I'm used to it, and I've been preparing. Now that its apparent, it's alright.

Haha, oh my, today was a great day actually! Oh my goodness. American pie, chestnut, step-up, but still, the maid, owns all! Even jeremy has to admit that now!

Woah, I achieved quite a bit today, went for ALL MY LESSONS, including maths lecture! Well, I did sleep through it, but at least I was there!

I think I've got some momentum going now.

have I got my ticket aboard the orient express?

2009-05-18T19:23:00.002+08:00

Woah, after the intense 'academic rigour', I think I'm inspired to sit down and start settling down to do my work! Today's hockey match was a refreshing break from the normal bleakness, and boy, was the match great! Oh, what a splendid splendid view.

Ahhhh! I'm so smitten, I'm hopeless. Sobs.

Haha, I think I'm shaken out of this weird mood I've been in recently, and now, I'm ready to face the world and all it can offer me again!

Oh yay!!

Oh, how I wish I could just open my mouth, and the words would flow forth!

Oh, she's wearin' a killer smile to kill me.

2009-05-17T23:59:00.002+08:00

Everyone needs a break once in a while, no matter how busy everything is, or no matter how many things need to be done. When I feel that I have accomplished something, I want to celebrate and enjoy the achievement, no matter how small or big, with all the people who matter. And then, back to the monotony of work.

I like colour in my life.

the texan, the kid, the oriental, the angelic old maid

2009-05-17T16:47:00.002+08:00

Whee, I'm in a state of transcendence and some sort of euphoria. Staying up till 5.30 a.m. has its qwerks. Okay, after spending another 4 hours on another draft, I'm going to eat breakfast now! Carl's Ju or something!

Then to the library.

My doubters encroach upon me, forcing me to go hide in my corner and recluse.

2009-05-17T00:33:00.002+08:00

Today was a mad rush, especially since I woke up at 10.30 am, totally oversleeping through my math remedial. Luckily, Mr. Wong was nice about it when I faced him.

Rushed to do up my biblio before heading for lunch with my two brothers, and chiong-ed to the Esplanade en route to school, to pick up a book, but I ended up doing a full-scale research, and got loads of other relevant (I hope :/) material instead!

Then, cabbed down to school (so much for trying to save money huh :/) cause it was already past the stipulated reporting time when I was leaving the library.

When I reached school, I wrote my cue-sheet like the wind! Pretty happy that it lasted me the whole night without any screw ups!

The performance was great! I really really felt super inspired by the phatom track, and 'Pomp and Circumstance'. The Pirate's soundtrack really brought a gush of emotion within me, and my mind just swelled up in all its grandeur. Catharsis indeed. The power of music.

Caught a nice relaxing coffee after the show, and rushed home where I am now!

What a day, what a day, what a day! (Haha! couldn't resist.)

childish, petty, ignorant etc., this just underlines the fact of the matter, but what the fuck, i thought everyone knew. and i'm sorry. its quite sad that i realise i'm probably the one more in need, but oh well, i can't keep dragging everyone down can i. that would be plain selfish, and i don't think i am a selfish person. perhaps i was, but i learnt, because someone else bore the brunt, and i never want that to happen again.

2009-05-15T22:43:00.003+08:00

Ah yes! Satisfaction and closure at last, after one whole long agonising year of just waiting for nothing to happen.

I finally got the CIP forms for ROCK ON MYANNMAR ready!!

Oh joy of all joys! I'm so relieved. Man, sorry guys, for the long wait, but yeah, they're be out soon, fresh from the press.

Now all you have to do, is to come to 20 Marine Vista and collect them from me!

Tomorrow is the string's concert, Strings from the Silver Screen! I'm pretty nervous for it though, emceeing for a formal event, when I can't even gather the right words to say in front of a crowd of one.

Everytime I start tripping over my own words, I'm inevitably reminded of a time, not too long ago, but long enough to be push to the back of my head, where I used to be so, so erm, exceedingly afraid of screwing up what I would say. And I'd end up running around KAP just to prevent me from digging my own grave.

It's totally no different now, in a weird kinda way, it's just the same old brand new me.

It's funny, the way things are shrugged off so damn blatantly in an attempt to create a false truth. Oh, believe me, if it had been a one-way street, I would've crashed long ago, and I'm thankful that I swerved in time, before the exit to nowhere.

and don't, for a second think that I can/can't do without this

2009-05-14T23:09:00.002+08:00

Let's evaluate today.

I think, today was pretty darn awesome. From the start, I didn't oversleep! That's always a good beginning. Wait, hold on, it gets better. On my way to school, in the bus 36, it started to pour. The rain beat down so heavily, that it left me and quite a few other VJ people stranded at the bus stop at St. Pat's. I thought that it was pure gloom from then on, but NO.

A double-decker bus emerged from the far distance, and I could barely make out the numbers 'one' and 'three' on its luminous signboard. I made nothing of the bus' arrival, as it was just a common event, but, when the bus door opened, I swear the wind blew everything away as an angelic chorus descended from the heavens to sing and usher one of their own down the steps of the bus.

*Shudders and melts*

In that moment, nothing mattered but that rosy face and that coy grin that could break a million hearts. Awwwwwww.. I wouldn't have minded being stranded at that bus stop for a longer period of time. My morning could not have been any better.

Okay, enough of this hyperbolic talk, I'm smitten, but not TOTALLY taken over.

Lessons came and went as per normal, and when school ended, I managed to rush over to CCAB to catch ALOYSIUS HO in action against CJC. A toughly contested draw, but still made it to the next stage I think.

After that, was a mad rush home to change before heading down to the Esplanade.

Despite the whole hullabaloo about not getting enough tickets, we still managed to acquire the required number (and more, sorry Geri), before heading down for dinner at Glutton's Bay. Wolfed down our food and rushed for the CHOIR CONCERT.

I must say, it was really really enjoyable, even cute at times. The choreography and arrangement was appropriate and did enhance the audience's experience. Of course, during the interval, we took the chance to move into a far better seat location, and relaxed to the soothing tones of the VJC choir.

Tomorrow, is going to be a long day. But its'alright, I feel I've accomplished alot today already, if you know what I mean, but you never know what I mean, so I guess thats okay! :)

take me to places I never knew I never knew.

2009-05-13T18:27:00.002+08:00

And so, I spent my whole day at home, caught up with doing the dreaded Critical Commentory. I'm rather behind time here, gosh, procrastination would be the death of me! I pledge not to procrastinate ever again! Or maybe not.

I'm feeling much better now, my throat doesn't hurt anymore, but theres still that unexplainable irritating feeling in my head that makes me feel like I'm still unwell. Ah, the many nights of perturbed sleep and that awesomest buffet dinner did me in. But now that I've cleared my head, I guess now's the best time to jump headfirst into that pile of work I had been reserving for don't know when.

Today, I'd be productive, I swear it.

I'd finish up my performance theory, and CHINA essay.

Three cheers for five essays.

Where're you from, you secksy thing

2009-05-12T21:47:00.002+08:00

And I'm curious,
how do you t-t-turn me on,
from those cameras.

Wearing a killer smile to kill me.

I swear she looks straight to me,
from the hollywood scene,
I can't stand too close to the screen.

Cause everywhere I go,
she's always on my mind.

Leon's taking on the world again, let's go!

2009-05-12T18:18:00.002+08:00

So here I am at home, dying out of loser-ish-ness cause I'm not feeling well, this time, legitimately. I guess this really just epitomises the term, probably the most slack period of my entire academic life, I've either been really sick, waking up late, or feeling down and thus unable to clock in substantial amounts of study time. And that's only on weekdays. Weekends were squandered away, thought not regretted at all, and as what Kenrick and I deduced, its probably a 'cause and effect' thing.

Doesn't stop me from wanting to have my fair share of fun though.

Here's 'to sweet beginnings and bitter endings', and the happiness in between.

A solo cello outside the chorus

2009-05-11T23:35:00.002+08:00

Just came back from a superbly awesome mother's day dinner with the family! Everyone was there, the FIVE real members and the TWO 'crashers' who neutralised the testosterone level of the family, to a certain extent. Buffet dinners are so satisfying. At lunch today, I completely forgot my resolution made last night to forgo any meals to conjure up an appetite for dinner, but nonetheless, I still ate the most!

I mean, what was I to do? Unlimited tender fish and bacon! If you were me, you'd do the same too! Oh oh, and the Marshmallow + Chocolate fondue fountain was to die for! Absolutely delicious!

HAPPY (belated by one day) MOTHER'S DAY, mum! Thank goodness you'd never see this, if not I'd just die of mushiness. Hope you savour your nice new necklace!

The winds are blowing me in a different direction. Not sure where it leads, but I sure as hell ain't gonna fight it. After all, when you see a butterfly flutter by, its sure to lead you to a secret garden, full of wonder and amazement.

So I'd just be gone with the wind, flying, flying, away and beyond, into the oblivion of bliss.

2009-05-11T02:12:00.002+08:00

I learnt the real meaning of a really powerful word today.

Solitude.

Let me share something with the people who visit this abstract green salvo.

What I concluded, on my little venture, is that this word is made out of three different words.

Solo, living, attitude.

Some people might say that solitude is bad, but that's just a reflection of their attitude when they are going solo.

On the contrary, others like me, whom I believe are the minority, have acquired a flair for some good solitude. (Now, don't judge me on my grammar, I'd interpret the word the way my C5 english would interpret it.)

I guess its only in the face of nothing at all that I can really find myself, cliche and lame as it may seem, but stripped of the rest of the world, all I have is me, and if I can't even find myself, then I've got nothing.

Standing a hundred metres above ground, looking at roads I'm so familiar with from the high ground, the nice cool night breeze carressing my cheeks, the stars and moon shining down, lighting the sky adoringly.

What I saw in my reflection wasn't pretty. Then again, I wasn't looking into a mirror, so I guess that made sense. I mean, my 'inner child'. The one which I so frequently whined that everyone was trying to 'kill'. I tried to communicate with that boy, and I realised that he is selfish, petty, grudg-ly, self-absorbed, and just pure frustrating to try to reach out to. I guess I don't blame everyone else for wanting to kill him.

I would too.

Oh, what a transcendent moment. A brief reprive from the many things haunting me, invading and pervading my 'chi'. And now, I guess I'm back at trying to break through the impasse.

But I know it'd be easier now.

I found myself, for however brief this moment of self-realisation is (for I can predict that tomorrow, I'd hold a completely different view from my current philosophy), I can be assured for ever, that I do exist, wholly and truly, and if I search hard enough, I know I'd find myself again,

and this search, with the rewards of fulfillment that I now know it brings, has determined my solo living attitude.

but I still can't go to rest, not just yet.

2009-05-10T22:03:00.006+08:00

i remember having forced myself to believe i was doing the right thing, only to have myself proven dead wrong.

i remember alot of things, quite specifically actually. but somehow i can't translate that kind of memory power to school work. haha. damn.

and come to think about it, it was just a lie then wasn't it. if it was otherwise, it would have ended there and then, and i would have been happy for that moment, instead of having to suck it up and swallow everything that had been hidden behind forced smiles and nervous laughter.

end of the day, the battle's lost and won.

woah, i posted so many things in a single day, all on the stream of thought.

i guess it is true, when they say i think too much.

its time to take control for once, and actually stick to decisions that i make, without letting negative externalities hold any kind of influence over me.

easier said than done.

2009-05-10T14:49:00.002+08:00

He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes,
started making his way but
its two in the morning,
he hasn't been sober for days.

leaning now, into the breeze,
remembering sunday,
he falls to his knees.

they had breakfast together,
but two eggs don't last like the
feeling of what he needs.

now this place is familiar to him.

2009-05-10T00:34:00.001+08:00

oh, and really, i'm not down or anything, its just the weather.

and its prevailent mood of dreariness.

so people, don't ask if i'm alright, cause the answer is clear as the sky.

2009-05-10T00:26:00.002+08:00

I'd think more than just twice next time.

And I guess the lesson is that, if you don't understand something, don't try to, cause you would miss the understanding.

So the week didn't end on the high which I thought it would have. I'm feeling particularly 'sian' and restless now i guess.

Maybe a nice walk in the cool night breeze will clear my head a little.

After the Liverpool match though, there's something appealing about holding onto something that's not yours to lose.

I'm in the past, and I'm not caring.

I'm past caring.

I cared because I thought I wasn't the only one

2009-05-07T22:28:00.002+08:00

Well, I guess that the fact that some unpalpable enigmatic force from somewhere refuses the posting of my two previous attempts at blogging means that that post just wasn't meant to meet the light of day.

Just as well, it doesn't make any sense now anyway.

I took it as a sign, I guess being a student deeply infatuated with the nuances of literature, I take almost anything as a sign, or at least, as a symbollic representation.

That's when I read too much into the text.

Little white, please never go away from me. You're almost like a brother.

2009-05-04T23:15:00.001+08:00

Argh, i hate myself for doing this, i hate myself for doing this, i hate myself for doing this.

No, wait, i love myself for this, i love myself for doing this, i love myself for doing this.

whoosh. talk about indecision.

The 5 'C's

2009-05-04T18:10:00.002+08:00

Just when I figured I was being figured out.

Furikin' hell.

Should've known beta.

and... when little white turns to ash, everything would be grey again won't it.

2009-05-03T21:56:00.002+08:00

isn't quite sad that it takes a single moment to realise how fake and manipulative you can really be.

maybe its just me, but i haven't been leaving by my own code recently.

you know, i prepare to be unprepared, and while i envision something, the contrary end result never fails to put a smile on my face.

live it love it, the man in the mirror.

i guess clarity would only make it all too clear, on how obscure everything is.

there can be no end i guess, no fixed boundaries demarcating absolution.

absolut-ly.

2009-04-30T19:29:00.002+08:00

Oh dear gosh, something's wrong with me.

p.s.s.s. I'm sorry for all the things I may not do.

because at the end of the day, the sun sets only to rise again.

2009-04-29T23:11:00.001+08:00

Just a void now, blank, sapped, empty, bare.
Nothing to think of, not thinking of anything, yet full of thoughts.

That pretty much sums things up.

p.s. sorry for the things i done, even more sorry for the things i did not do.

p.s.s. sorry for not being able to say sorry.

2009-04-26T23:04:00.002+08:00

Its quite funny, how what some regards as nothing more than casual spontaneous chatter and an interesting conceptualisation that holds people together.

A unique conceptualisation and a common idea which holds people together and provides the central core of conversation and fun-mongering.

I think that sums it up nicely.

Loosen up people, we aren't the CCP, we are a group of fun loving people who just wanna have fun with the best company there is. At least that's how I see it.

Hardliners, rightists, leftists etc.

Laughing out loud, I wonder where I stand, I'm looking at all tihs from an outside view, and I wonder with bewilderment, the power of "ideology".

2009-04-24T21:00:00.003+08:00

I'm burnin' through the sky,
two hundred degrees that's why they call me "Mr. Farenheit",
I'm travellin' at the speed of light,
I'm gonna make a supersonic woman of you!

Don't stop me, don't stop me...

But deep down under, I'm slipping and sliding down this slope, descending..

2009-04-22T22:13:00.002+08:00

Caught between the lines of
old bards and sages,
so now you're with me
and I guess "we're breakin' free",
from everyone who just wants to take us on,
and see fight between the state and breaking dawn.
Stars hide your fires, (don't show your intent)
we're out at sea
but they're thoughts are all straight fixed on me.

2009-04-18T22:17:00.002+08:00

My tea's gone cold in wonderin' why,
I got out of bed at all.
The morning rain clouds up my window,
and I can't see at all.
Even if I could it'd all be grey,
but your picture on my wall,

it reminds me, that
it's not so bad,

it's not so bad.

2009-04-16T23:08:00.002+08:00

I wrote this really great play once, it was the greatest piece of art I ever came up with, full of beauty and grace, to me it was the closest thing to perfection I could ever achieve in my life so far. It was a culmination of my inspiration, emotion and joy at that time.

I can't find the original copy now.

Don't know where it went, its just gone, as if it vapourised along with my dreams of staging what I knew was going to be the greatest play I ever staged.

What is truly devastating though, is that I never bothered to make copies of it. It never occurred to me that it may just slip from my hands, into oblivion, never to return again.

Since then, I've been trying to recapture the moments of inspiration and pen them down again, but lightning doesn't strike twice on the same spot, and no matter how I try, no matter how many times I change the words, the meanings, the directions, the sequence, the everything, it just doesn't work like how it used to.

Of course, this had serious repurcussions on my rehearsals for you see, with the loss of my masterpiece, my heart and soul did not have any vessel to flow into anymore. Despite the hustle and bustle of the set, the stage was always empty to me.

After awhile, I even found having rehearsals completely pointless. Why pour so much energy into something that you know isn't something you can be truly proud of, truly happy about.

Production stopped completely, I couldn't take it anymore. Everything around, the fake trees on a set, the paint, the curtains, the music, oh the music, everything around reminded me of the missing manuscript and the grandeur it could have become.

Ever since I was deemed a liability, a moping wreck just clinging on to past dreams that will never see the light of day, I was isolated.

But I remain, searching every trunk, digging every corner, leaving no stone unturned wherever I go. It did not matter if I had never been there before, I still searched.

I worked alone though. No way I was telling anyone that my masterpiece was floating up there, up for grabs for whoever finds it first. I became paranoid, but I never gave up the search. Never planned to.

Everyday, the same routine. Wander the streets, eyes peeled looking out for any clue, any signs at all. Night fall, and I'm back in my corner in an old rustic apartment, hugging my knees, cradling my body, lulling myself saying that tomorrow'd be the day, it has to be.

Its so near I can nearly smell the coffee stains that dirtied it while I was working on it, almost hear the wind flipping through its pages again. It didn't occur to me then that it could be in my very apartment, where papers are strewn all over the place, unfiled, unbinded, just blindly thrown around as if there wasn't a need to keep the sanctuary of home a sanctuary anymore.

Of course there wasn't a need to. There wasn't a need to do anything. It would have been meaningless.

I know its somewhere out there, waiting to be found again, maybe even wanting to be reunited with its creator. Nothing is certain.

No, I stand corrected. One thing is certain. Only one thing.

I've lost the plot.

2009-04-14T20:32:00.002+08:00

Its amazing how a song that I had previously just accepted as 'nice',

suddenly embody a whole new meaning that I had never once fathomed,

becoming the missing piece of the puzzle?

Throw it away,
forget yesterday.

2009-04-14T12:47:00.002+08:00

Nothing beats a good song playing by the beach, with a glass of ice-cool lemonade in hand, shades, sun, breeze, with nothing to care or think about but the sea and all its magnificent glory.

I'll be content with what I have now though, for like, the next two hours or so.

2009-04-12T18:59:00.002+08:00

Hello,

you know what, no, you don't know what.

Me neither.

Oh hello, we're all equally lost.

Or perhaps not.

Its really ironic. On Easter, of all days.

So I guess I'm most open when my mind is closed.

I don't know why I choose to have a choice.

Perhaps I need some nudging in the right direction.

Did I say nudging?

I meant pushing.

Push hard, and the door will open.

I guess.

Oh dammit.

2009-04-11T01:23:00.002+08:00

This week has been an eventful one.

Monday - VJC against RJC in soccer. Of course, it was the tussle that happened right next to me that captured my attention more than the soccer match itself. Dinner later was, interesting to say the least. Talk about being caught between.

Tuesday - TSD showing. I felt that the standard was really good, but I was extremely irritatated for the blatant lack of respect that fucking disrupted my attempt at presenting my concept. Something that I'd show more openly than ever now.

Wednesday - The girl's soccer team thrashed HC 8-0, but again, I was distracted by the battle within me. Yes, rather hyperbolic but its not everyday that an unexpected occurence leads you to re-evaluate everything that had happened to you, and you realise how hard it is to say thank you after all that happened before.

Thursday - Oh, it was a really cute day. Haha, slightly irritating because Aloy, Jerald, Arianto, Sam and I somehow, really somehow, became makeshift "ushers" and manaul labourers for the Arts Fest opening. VJC Dance is amazing. Both at a JC level, and of course, at an IP level. Super cute. Barring a serious mishap, SYF would surely give them the minimum credit their powerful performances just screams out for. I went home especially early though, and was really happy that day, I think.

Friday - Today of course. The day started out drearily enough, finally got out of bed at 1 plus, then practically lazed at home with the rain till 6 when I went to ViVo and reserved myself an awesome shirt haha. Couldn't resist. Shopaholic streak in me I guess. Went for a family dinner at grandma's with an unprecedented attendance (only two people missing). It was amazing, and I really felt like I belonged there. Finally, for like 17 years. After that, met the guys at PS, moved down to Newton for supper and drinks. Damn awesome guys, we must do that till we're old men lecherously leering at girls at some random coffee shop.

The week has been well, as I said, eventful.

And I think I just turned it up a notch. Accidentally, inevitably. So many things could happen.

I'm right, its right.

2009-04-09T20:08:00.003+08:00

It is a tale told by an idiot,
full of sound and fury,
signifying nothing.

Probably the best quote in the world of shakesperean literature.

"and so we beat on, boats against the current, borne ceaselessly into the past".

Probably the best quote in the entire world of literature.

So I realise that life goes on, we are occasionally drifted backwards against the horizon, but if we just keep looking forward, we'd get ahead. Eventually.

Well, at least some people still care.

2009-04-07T22:17:00.002+08:00

And I'm back where I started. Its really funny, how at this very same time this year, I asked myself almost the exact same question.

I'm not liking the answer though.

show me a sign, what's on your mind

2009-04-05T20:39:00.001+08:00

I'm getting bad at this.

Maybe I'd stop trying.

2009-04-05T00:01:00.001+08:00

I may have done pretty well for lit, but I sure as hell am failing to see what the words mean.

Fight, and defend.

2009-04-02T23:57:00.000+08:00

Its hard to answer the questions that aren't asked.

No one, no one, no one, no one.

2009-04-01T23:29:00.002+08:00

How very intriguingly ironic.

The past week so far has been, well, as history lecture has taught us, going well in one direction, and going disastrously in another.

I guess I should be trying to find some sort of equilibrium that is so damn obviously unattainable.

too hard, words choking with uncertainty, not knowing where to start.

I need a sign. Any sign, to show me where I should go.

2009-03-30T22:29:00.002+08:00

You know, I just want life to be a whole big party where we could all just dance the time away, basking in the glory of each other and not having a single care in the world but to enjoy the moment. Of course, you don't know. At least, not anymore.

Leon, you really know how to make things from bad to worse. And now, you don't know what to say or what to do about it! Oh my, hoorah for bad decisions and perfectly horrendous timing!

I tried, I really did.
I'm sorry, I really am.

Just don't let anyone know.

2009-03-29T21:02:00.003+08:00

As if school life and my own personal isn't messed up enough now.

Oh, isn't this all just a breeze..

not what you seemed to be

2009-03-28T01:13:00.003+08:00

Life shouldn't have to be like this.

I should be wearing a big smile on my face, a glint in my eye.

But all I'm left now, a hole in my head, a strain on my mind.

I want the world to stop now, reverse, back to a time where I know that nothing mattered. Back to a time when I was really happy. From there, I'd make myself see that "happiness" ironically leads inevitably to unhappiness.

And I never seem to learn, that everything works two ways.

And I never want to be the one way traffic.

And I never will see again, the light of the days which has so clearly been extinguished and replace by an obscure blanketing darkness.

Step into the abyss.

Join in the great party of life, being alone in the crowd, glistening lights, giddy music, clanking of glasses, the intimate distance from everyone but myself.

So be it.

2009-03-25T21:41:00.002+08:00

i really don't see how i'm the bad guy.

maybe, i just am.

no reason, just one of those things that you can't fight against, and trying harder and harder will make this hole deeper and deeper.

As of now, I already can't see myself getting out of this.

Is there even a pit to begin with.

I need a bazooka to the brain.

Damnt.

2009-03-24T21:10:00.001+08:00

what the fuck am i supposed to do now.

2009-03-22T23:25:00.002+08:00

Oh my gosh.

Ah shit lah. Everything that I try to try is failing. Everything good that comes in my way wilts away from my touch.

And everything I do to make things better just makes things worst.

This is shit.

I think I'll just stop trying, be satisfied with this convoluted status and not try to resolve anything.

Ah, fuck life.

My life.

2009-03-22T00:17:00.002+08:00

Watched "He's Just Not That Into You" with Kenrick and Lennart on friday. It is, an awesome show. Really made me think. Found the book at Page1 in Vivo just now, and I really would have gotten it if it wasn't for my lack of money. Its a guidebook. A furikin' guidebook.

So my brother and I didn't manage to catch the dance concert yesterday, and we ended up having a nice one-on-one dinner at the nearby cafe before coming back to the UCC (University Cultural Centre) where I bought that delectable Apple Ice-cream on a whim. That's $8.90 for an apple-sized ice-cream well spent, thank you, though my brother would vehemently disagree, I'm quite sure of that. And so, that was how I spent my friday evening.

Wanna know how I spent my saturday afternoon?

I'm gonna spell it out here anyway, so meh.

I left my place at 4pm, wandered around Vivo for a bit before adjourning to the UCC for our second shot at those coveted elusive tickets. Reached the UCC at 5.30pm, and already the queue had reached a point of uncertainty regarding the availability of the tickets. So, we waited, waited, and waited. Till 7, when we FINALLY had confirmation of our tickets.

It was an awesome show, on so many levels.

Okay, I'm exhausted now. MafiaWars is weirdly addictive, and Man Utd is losing to Fulham. Hope the score holds out.

I try to read what isn't written.

Eeek, eek, a mouse, Ahh!

2009-03-21T11:57:00.002+08:00

There's a stupid draft in my posts that I'm too lazy/tired/apprehensive to actually finsih up, so I'll just leave it there.

Gah, just went for a run from home to queensway back home, really sad timing.

Oh well.

And yes, I realise what an idiot I am haha.

I'm not hurting anyone, not even myself, so I guess that's fine.

Righto.

Had you given me the chance to say "I do".

2009-03-19T21:42:00.002+08:00

Hello kiddos and kiddettes,

this week's word is - aversion.

A turning away or preventing.

What a camp, probably the defining moment of our term, staying till 4.30 am, with the load of much more than we can think of lying on our shoulders.

Only time can tell.

On many levels, many not-so-desirable things have been averted, and while I still am clueless and thoughts still as unfocused, I guess I have bought myself time, to think and consider, what is it this time, that has caused such a weird tangled up episode in my mind.

the more I try to make amends, the deeper I fall into this.

2009-03-15T23:32:00.002+08:00

So, something an old buddy said hit a nerve within me.

Why did I choose to come to Victoria Junior College.

I mean, its not like I'm regretting it or anything, hell no, I still think its the best choice I've made in my life, like duhh.

But why?

So I dig back into previous blog posts, back to a time where nothing mattered and ignorant innocence reigned. The "good ol' days". Secondary school.

So what was it.

Some impalpable fairytale I was trying to grasp onto, in the midst of its vaporising mist.

Well, of course, I had been aspiring to go somewhere new and different just to be well, exposed to what life has to offer.

But, the immediate trigger of which.

I guess its amazing how one person can so subtly yet so significantly determine the direction of your life.

And I believe, a show of gratitude is due, despite the fact that it will most probably never be seen.

So, thank you.

You, who made the first impressions on what it's like to touch the sky. And if I saw you on the streets, time will reverse and I'd be wearing that same uniform and tripping over myself all over again.

2009-03-15T20:22:00.002+08:00

No more privleged excursions with glimpses into the human heart. Or something like that.

If there's one thing that literature has taught me, its that everything we do has its effect on everything that happens hereafter.

Oh, can't you feel the weight of your own world upon your shoulders now, anchoring you down to a murky seabed of repurcussions.

Go us!

We are the survivors of this struggle.

2009-03-12T00:33:00.002+08:00

Today was an exceptionally great day. Math and Literature. I came out of the examination venues with a sense of satisfaction I guess, well, more of a sense of resignation for the lost-cause of maths, but I've an outside chance of getting an "S"? Haha, which of course, is something I should not be proud of.

Outside chance.

Lit was, well, better than I thought it would have been on first sight I guess. Its really the examination venue that keeps your mind churning out stuff. I hope I do alright.

After that, had a reeeeeally long long overdued class outing! And of course, to celebrate Adilah's birthday!

Wow, we're really spontaneous and creative! I totally love us.

Completely camwhored while attempting to check out movie prices, and ended up bowling. My score was tosh really, but the curl-ing was fun! Oh gosh, it reminds me of that sport that Mr. Young was talking about LOL! Curling. Uhm, a very quaint recreation I suppose...

Proceeding that, had a nice talk with the remaining few! Enlightening and inspiring as usual.

Really makes me feel that I need to grow up. One year, and I'm back where I was. I suppose that's alright, no gain, but no loss. I can't be stuck in my own little sphere of comfort for ever, I guess its time to conform and do as I am expected, without trying to be special or different all the time. Maybe, it is really time to grow up, tone down, and just, be somebody.

Oh, isn't it ironic, being somebody means you have to suppress who you really are.

Well, I'm almost finally finaly, out of words. Almost, but when I still have that little bit left in me..

2009-03-09T00:00:00.001+08:00

Some people just like to FUCKING rub it in I guess.

Maybe its just me, but I'm getting more and more easily irked.

2009-03-08T11:52:00.002+08:00

Truth is, I never changed one bit.

So I received back the letter Mr. Young made us write to ourselves at this junction of last year. I could distinctly pick out my own (some say "unique") style of writing, and perhaps, if I were to write a letter to myself dated to be sent out exactly one year later, most of the base questions would be similar. It was a really reflective experience. I realise that in one year, my life went a complete round, and now, turned out exactly the same as it was when I wrote the letter.

One full circle, with its ups and downs, lefts and rights. 365 days, 360 degrees.

Yesterday was a total renewal of love I had for the class. Oh gosh, totally love you guys to the MAX!! With floorball (arena style), random dancing, and totally absurd plans to scare other occupants of the school (Gillian, I will never forget that plan you had. In fact, if I could only hang on to one memory of you in school, it would be that one! :D). Of course, it helped greatly that it was a highly productive studying session, or so I think.

I'm starting to remember why I loved life so much, and at the same time, realising that I still love life. I still love myself a lot, and in fulfilling that, I'm gonna spread that love, flowing like a fountain (think Malfi), to all my friends out there!

I'm lovin' it.

'Support' MusicFest LOL!

2009-03-06T17:37:00.002+08:00

So, a series of events led to a whole new perspective of life for me. I'm going to treasure every single moment of my life, and cherish every single friendship which I have. I love all you guys, would be at a total loss without each and every one of you guys.

Its shocking, how fragile life is, and how one could even think of permanently break these fragile links with loved ones.

Sighh.

I guess there's just so much more in this world than I thought there was.

I'm going to embrace each day as a challenge, and most importantly, live without regrets.

For that though, I guess theres still things I need to do.

If only I could even start up the engines for this course.

Hello.

2009-03-04T22:15:00.002+08:00

And I guess that's why sometimes, I lapse into a state of desolation. The sudden smack in the head, and the stinging build up in my eyes. That's when I start forcing a smile, pretending that everything's alright. Sometimes, the smile stays, and everything is really alright. Until the next time that I actually feel that rousing unrest within, bursting to reveal itself, hitting hard against the walls against my mind, creating cracks in the chambers of my deepest thoughts, and I confuse what I feel is real, and what I feel I felt.

For now, I'll just cut a smile on my face, and let time fixate it. Hopefully.

2009-03-02T00:07:00.002+08:00

I love walking back home at night, especially past that strip of brilliant night sky, perforated with stars strewn across the boundless mystery of darkness, wondering what its like to be one of them stars, looking down at us, whether or not they are twinkling cheekily because they have played with our fate, or if they are faltering because they too, are blinded by their own lights.

Maybe the Earth is a star to the stars themselves.

Who knows?

2009-02-28T12:34:00.002+08:00

And so, it happened that a very quaint discussion at the airport designated a forthcoming golden era for all of us as we uphold our perceived duty to control the chaos which threatens to destroy us all.

That totally made my day/week/month, which made me realise that I had a really shitty day/week/month. However, on hindsight, I guess if I really thought through things rationally, it wasn't quite exactly that shitty. I just felt like crap through most of the times, that I forgot about the rays of sunlight shining through the dark clouds, providing the essential nutrients for the garden to grow.

The upcoming month of March, holds more challenges than I can foresee. At least, I foresee that being the case. How ironic.

Since I've set my mind and figure out what I've just got to do, to set me at ease, I guess the next step is to well, rise up and get to facing what has been beating me down. No fears this time.

I hope.

And if we are held against what we once said, will it still stand? Or will it crumble like the moist sand-castle it has become.