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At the first cutting light of August, many years ago, the world got the first glimpse of the entity known henceforth as Leon Yip. It decided to douse the aforesaid with sunshine, sweets, and loads of love. Legend has it, so convicting were his words, that upon his request, the world agreed to revolve around him, forever, and ever, and ever.

This is my 360th blog post. I guess its a good time too talk about how my life had turned 360 degrees in past year. I know that for my life to have been turned upside down, 180 degrees is the norm, but yeah, I guess my life had been turned around, and its just back to where I had previously started.

Life has certainly changed for me this year. So many ups and downs, laughter and tears, rights and wrongs. I guess the dust of life in Junior College (the only one that I would ever go to) is finally settling. Life starts now.

Yesterday and today were probably the more eventful days of my holiday.

Yesterday started out badly for me. Struck by an awfully terrible stomachache, I was left gapping for air and stranded helplessly at home. I did manage to bring myself to school later on, but first, to meet NICK!!! Whom I haven't seen for like ever. Went to school to jam with Nick. I think we're more or less set for the night, but yeah, I'm just so nervous. Haha.. Then stayed back for abit, and went home.

Today, woke up pretty early, went to school for some last decor stuff and transferring glasses to the council room. After waiting forever for the rain to clear, we went to POPEYE'S to eat the sumptuous mash potatoes and chicken!! Simply delightful. Upon filling our stomachs with the food of saints, Collin, Shi Hang and I made out ways down to the mass of bodies at the Singapore Expo to pick up stuff at the IT fair. Met up with some familiar faces for abit, had ad really good talk with Shi Hang on the bus home that really set me thinking, and then went to get my blazer! Like freaking finally! Cost a bomb though. Really broke now, but to me, its all worth it. And that's what matters.

And that's what matters. At this point, all that matters is what I think. Yepp.


So right, its wrong. Oh the irony.
Marcus Tay says my blog is tending too much towards the bleakness of life. I guess that is somewhat true, to a certain (spineless) extent.

Happy things. It's not as though my mind and my life is devoid of happy things, but I guess its always easier to pick on what one did wrong than what one did right eh? While figuring out where things went wrong, I totally by-passed the things that actually went right for me. Likewise, as I'm trying to save the things that have gone desperately wrong now, I'm forgetting to build up on the things going on right for me.

Okay, enough of random talk, some happy things that happened to me in the past few days. Not in chronological order, cause I have a terribly short-termed memory.

- Finally buying my floorball stick, though I'm out of action, it doesn't mean that I can't have fun just shooting ballz at wallz just for the fun of it!

- TSD farewell, sharing stories and remedies and laughing at the lameness of everyhing and how sad (and strangely similar) two lives are! Gosh, I still don't think my dictionary incident was that funny :/ It just showed how sad my vocab was at that time! But at least of all the possible meanings, that word meant the world to me at that time! :) Annnnnd, I still haven't completed my story yet! Stupid Yvette, make me walk all the way to Macs for nothing!

- SDD is falling into place! Yay! We got the programs out, the prizes out, the whole frikkin' system out! Let's hope that the 4 hours I put into making the que sheet turns out good! :) Come on guys! We can do this! Yeah! Leanne, Collin, don't stress!

- Went to the IT fair with MARCUS TAY today! It was DAMN funny! Haha. Though the dog-food like rice that I bought was grotesquely overpriced and well, tasted like dog food! Ewww :( Haha, didn't know that so many people I knew actually worked there

- Oh oh! I mistook this random guy that I thought looked very familiar for SARAH CHEONG'S dad! Haha! Almost called "uncle", but luckily I witheld myself. Okay, this isn't a happy thing, but I still think its funny.

- I feel much closer to my family! Though I do feel that I really stick out like a sore thumb at times. Oh well, I guess the time will come where I wouldn't be talking to myself at family dinners anymore. I was a fool to think that it mattered, but I guess at the end of the day, what matters is that I take as long as I think I need to, and things will happen. But, I do feel a closer connection to my family, I guess that about makes up the non-existent childhood that my circumstance took away from me. But I really just do have knots tied up within me whenever people talk about their own great childhood. I just get so jealous. :(

- I learnt to love the moments that I'm alone with myself. Those who treasure their time alone going home, letting the course of the journey sink in and just listen to the different thoughts in one's head, they sure were spot on! It's highly therapeutic. Staring out of the windows, looking out to the far far horizon, only able to wonder what lies beyond those white fluffy cotton-candy-like clouds... I'm really sorry to those people that I stole those precious times from. I was ignorant of the great serenity one gets when one is alone. Now I do know the true meaning and importance of alone-time, and I really shouldn't have infringed on other people's time with themselves.

- I can take out my bandage as and when I want to!! That means, I can actually wash the toe properly! YAY!!! Me will be clean during this period, though not so lean...

- I have so many things to look forward to in the upcoming times!!! SDD, council chalet (I think I'm looking forward to it..I don't know) , floorball trainings again (very light training for me right now, most probably nothing physical at all heh.. darn..) , floorball chalet, 4.4 chalet (HAHA MARCUS! Pressure on you!), A12 party etc.. The list goes on! Yeah!

Haha yeah, life is good. It can only get better I guess. After picking myself up from rock bottom, I can't see myself going anywhere but higher. Unless I suddenly get anchored down again by the baggage I cannot bear. Yeah, life IS good.

Oh Marcus, I'm really really lazy to change my blogskin haha! Maybe next time!

It's time to try to live life to its fullest. Come out of my shell, face what's holding me back head-on.



What's actually quite interesting, is how the same tale is told as a different story each time. Hmmm.. I'm lost.
The scary things about blogs is that you don't know whether people are blogging about the same kinda things as you, and just hiding stuff under lines and lines of subtext. What's unspoken usually weighs the heaviest.


Looking back, damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. I always look back. I tell myself not to, but I just can't help it. For awhile, I would be fixed on what's ahead, but then every now and then, maybe I hear a song, or some one says something familiar, or I pass by a certain icon or I walk in some place or something, just something would happen, and wham-bam, my world turns, and I'm looking back at things which turned its back on me. I thought it'd be easy, just block out everything and live for whats coming. But increasingly, I find it harder to do that, when everything which comes reminds me of what's gone.


This stinks. I should stop listening to music, I should stop taking the bus home, I should stop reading stuff I should stop going on MSN I should stop blogging, I should stop reading blogs, I should stop talking, I should stop hearing, I should stop seeing.

The world froze, leaving me behind to melt away, unnoticed.


I know where this all went wrong. I spoilt it all by saying something stupid.




I need a sign. Anything. I need direction, I need resuscitation.
Down and out,
returned to the rack.
On old faltering hopes
I'd not look back,
not returning to
the track.
Yes. I admit, I'm scared. I don't want to be the one who ends anything. I want to show that I tried. And that is stupid of me, I apologise. It makes everything that was talked about pointless, and I can't believe how cowardly that makes me. I just want to hide in my shell, so nothing can touch me.


Maybe its time to tone down.

Maybe my dad's right. It is time to grow up. Time to let the dust settle, and quietly absorb everything, and work towards a steady future. Perhaps it is indeed about time that I learnt that I won't be 17 anymore, and that one day, in the near future, I'll wake up, and realise that its the mistakes which I make in this phase of experimentation that cost me too largely. I always said I wanted to live life without regrets. And it'd just be the perfect paradox if me living life without regrets now would lead to me looking back 10 years from now, realising the costly mistakes I made at 17 years of age.


This post is retarded. I don't know why I'm even posting this, when everything that I do now, will both not matter a single bit, and yet, completely mould the direction of my future.

Life's a bitch.


so am I.
You know the funny thing about tradition? I have one which I'm looking to uphold. One which I tried to continue before, failed, but now, if I steady myself, be at my best, I know I can make it. Yay me.

I wish so much to follow in the footsteps of my two brothers. Now I can.

Hope I get it right.

My mom's birthday dinner was definitely one of the top family dinners I had so far. Really love the four jokers that I live with. And I know they love me. Yay us. Chilli crab was really the killer. I got full from drinking Green Tea (to neutralise the spice). Where did we eat? No place but the legendary UDMC (don't know what it stands for, but its how we refer to it) is good enough for my mommy on her special day of course! Seafood galore.

This precious family dinner again pricked me where it hurt. This time, worst than ever. I just looked around the round table, and I realise that the circle wasn't closed. Its' up to me to close it. I guess that explains for alot eh.

Not that I feel bad or anything, (goodness knows that how I feel about myself) but sometimes, its just hard to be the one left behind. Which perhaps explains my verbal diarrhoea which I should apologise to my second brother (maybe 10 years later) about.

Maybe its time to close the circle. Because, like how Robbie Keane may be great, Steven Gerard is perfection, 7 may be great, but 8 is perfect.


Don't walk in, I'll come out.
Ah freaking hell.

The post that I had about me admitting that Heidi Klum was furikin' hot was deleted.

CRAP!

Wow. I just watched "Survivor". Haven't watched that for a long time. Gosh, its so manipulate-ly! Darn. Imagine if real life was like that. I think I would just die. Oh well.

I believe that every body harbours a little good in them. Even people who know how to shake it.

Today was an anti-climatic day, for more reasons than 2.

Yesterday, or was it the day before? Hmmm.. Anyway, the last dinner with my family... Oh yeah, it was yesterday! Haha. Yeah. Yesterday, I just learnt that I was quite in sync with my brother! Haha. Random yeah, but its super cool!

Damn, I'm looking forward to SDD. For more reasons than one. For reasons I never thought possible haha. It may well turn out to be the most interesting day of my life.

For more reasons than one.


It doesn't matter that communication is broken abruptly. Its like a sign that tells me to go straight on. I'll push down the pedal, go full speed ahead for now, until I see a sign leading me to the right path. Till then, I know I'll turn my back every once in a while, looking back at the road that I can't go.

Have a good life yeah.


Dark, speckled, bright, shiny. Hullo...
Pride is a dangerous thing.

No body likes to lose, no body likes to be known have lost.

But I'm no loser.

Not to myself anyway.

Who cares what the world might think, as long I can grin to myself and say "if only they knew".

If only they knew.

My story, is history.





To bestie - I don't know whats going on, but I care. Just follow the voice in your head, not the voices out of it. Zen.







Until happines is compromised
I just think that its very sad. When one doesn't give oneself the chance to pursue what one has been seeking for. Time builds atop feelings. The more time, the more feelings. The less time, the less feelings. Its only logical.

Its just, sad.

Really sad.

Really.

Sad.



just ask yourself what you really want.
Ever since my last blog post, which, happens to be on Friday the fourteenth, where nothing extraordinarily unlucky should have happened (except perhaps my dad's birthday, but as for that being a lucky or unlucky occasion, I shall have my own reservations :P), I've been occasionally accessing my blogger account, really wanting to blog, on a couple of instances, even typing down stuff, but in all cases, not finding anything really worthwhile to say that would defect the common consensus that I'm "emo" right now.

Well, perhaps I was feeling down in the past month or so, but really, I wouldn't blame myself for that. No, I love myself too much to see any flaws in me. That's true.

Let's just say I went through an inner transformation within myself in this past month, one of those times in a lifetime where a person looks at himself and finally figures out what to do with the mess that's left. A baptism of fire, though I must say, the fire seemed to have been started by myself. I think I came through though. I feel more calm, more serene, less lame and less restless. Of course, people who have interacted with me in recent times may beg to differ, but these changes are felt on the inside, and I like the vibes which I emit to myself at this point of time.

All in all, I'm able to look at myself straight in the mirror, and tell myself that I'm the best guy in the world, ever, and thats all that matters.

Any ol' hell, the previous mentioned things are not meant to be what this post is about. As narcisistic and egoistic (yes, it is spelt this way) as I have become, this little public passage is not about me, its about another entity altogether. A force so powerful, that it makes half of the Earth's population tremble and sink to its knees. Yes, the force known to humans fondly as, girls.

God created all men in his glorious image, as chauvinistic as the bible may be, it does not deny the fact that God's almighty image is also reflected in females. In them, he imparts the ability to give life and the natural instinct to sustain fragile newborn lives (although males do regulate this life-giving and provide supplements). You see, men can easily take away lives, lives which women painstakingly breed within themselves for nine months and through a painful process have it harvested from their own body. It's just not fair that this agonisingly long process can be reversed in an instant as quick as a gun shot. Women should all be granted palaces for their role in ensuring that we humans do not become extinct within the next two years.

Most importantly though, perhaps in a more familiar context, the vulnerability and innocence of girls, is worthy to be protected. And as guys, we are obliged to give such protection. Girls make us go crazy, yes, but, they make us feel emotions to them that guys should not harbour for each other. Maybe I'm speaking for myself, but they make me feel that all this crap about NS, about studying, about going through project work and chinese lessons, they make it all seem worth it. They're very presence gives us men the reason and justification to be rational, and they definitely make sure that there is not an overwhelming build-up of testosterone within a confinement.

The yin, and the yang. I don't know what the hell they each stand for, but I know that they come in hand in hand, and because of that, I have learnt to appreciate the company of girls, and appreciate even more, the company which girls have to offer.

Of gender equality, I think girl's are actually superior. I mean, a guy can understand another guy so easily, because we're all so stupid, but I don't think a guy can fully understand and analyse the way a girl thinks. The complexity of a female's thinking leaves one in awe of how the bagahajillion thoughts and evaluations can fit within the confines of a female brain. This is perhaps why MGS did better than ACS in our batches' O-level results I guess.

Love girls. Or at least, love girls which hold the sacred feminie qualities of innocence and purity. Love the girls who deserve to be loved, and fight to give them what they deserve. The best.

I'm not a feminist. Oh no, not by a long shot. I still think guys rule and girls drool, but really, I just like giving credit where credit is due.

After all, girls are just Guys In Really Lil' Shirts.


I think I'm losing it.


I think "hello" is a good start.
I can't believe I'm hooked to that canto/chinese song my brother spams.

Not that it has any starkingly personal relation to moi, but I guess I draw parallels.

Yesterday's OGL briefing was quite "erm"... yeah.

Schindler's List was a great movie, but probably not the best choice in the context of the goal behind the movie screening. I like war movies. Although the killing scenes kinda really disturb me.

I love the one hour a day I get with "Friends". Its my refuge really. Sitting on the massage chair, watching the show with my mom, hearing her retardedly lame comments, Richie pacing about, looking for crumbs we might drop. Really really the hour I look forward to every night.

Speaking of which, I've come to become somewhat hooked on the teh-wee-vision. I mean, gosh. "Simspsons" at 6, "The Price is Right" at 6.30, "10 Brothers" (some weird-ass lame hongkong serial, seriously weird-ass) at 7, Double episodes of "Friends" at 8, the channel 8 drama serial (HAHA! Never thought I'd get hooked on it) at 9, and STARWORLD shows from 10-12.


I need a life.


Ah. Late for training. Great.
I feel like I lost a significant part of myself, and it feels weird. Knowing that the comforting smile that I used to back myself into when I was feeling low is not there anymore. Though I can't quite explain why. You see, at this age, nothing matters but the friendships we posses. Not being able to own any real estate in our young age means that our most valuable assets are our friends (of course, this is a constant through our working lives), and now, losing a big big big part of what I used to have, I feel rather bankrupt.



Things definitely changed.
I don't wanna burden other people with my own fucked up problems. I don't want to know that I'm being patronised, fucked up theory, probably wrong of me to think so, but right now, at this moment, thats exactly how I feel.



Roll back the clock, to the time where I felt that I was wanted, and freeze. Just, freeze.


Right now, everything in the past, seems just like an illusion. Everything happened as normal, but from where I stand now, the good stuff came grudgingly, and the bad stuff was just wanting to happen.


And, I'm lost. Really, without anything to run into, without anything to cushion my fall.
I don't like being left out of things which I've worked hard for. Not one bit. It makes me feel so useless and dispensable, and believe me, this shitty feeling of being unimportant and easily replaced with just a snap of a finger or a slight change of plans is brought forth to my personal life.

I am what I feel. Obsolete, unconfident, utterly useless. Its taking a toll on me, turning me into something I am not.


I know when I'm not needed,
I know when I'm not wanted.
So I'll just go away,
not just for today,
I'll be lonely but I know I'd be okay.
Unlike what John Mayer said,
it went away.
This is how it feels to let go of forever,
to return back to ground,
to tie up my wings,
to fly no more.
Dammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitican'tbelievei'mdoingthistomyselfdammitdammitdammitdammitnoidon'twanttobutitseemsthisistheonlywaytodammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitarghdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitmylivereallysucksyouknowdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitthisissoscrewedupdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitidon'twanttodowhatithinkimustdodammitdammitdammitdammitdammitshitshitshitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitfuckitdammitdammitdammitdammitireallyreallyreallystillfeelexactlythesameasfourmonthsagodammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdon'tknowwhyi'meventhinkingofgivingupdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammit.

Dammit.
My heart finally spoke to me. Haha. Damn, it felt pretty gay just sayin' that, but yeah, it did.

It told me what I'm gonna do next. And maybe for once, I'd do the right thing. Not just for myself.

Two wrongs make right.


Where is your boy tonight, I hope he is a gentleman. Maybe he won't find out what I know - you were the last good thing about this part of town.
I hate it when my actions / gestures / whatever I do is de-specialised, lowered down to the same level of just some average experience. I thought at least I had made a difference, but I guess, all these while, I could have just merged with the crowd and have my shadow mistaken for just another average shadow.

I hate being average. I hate even more to be told that what I do is average when I think that I've done enough to stand out.

I hate knowing that I whatever I had done didn't really mean shit at all.

It sucks, it really sucks. All these while, I really thought I left an impression, but all I did leave behind were my footprints, that had long been washed away when we stopped walking by the beach as the night sky came down on me, my shadow merging with the surrounding darkness, me fading away in the distance, going, going, going.



gone
Now, there's an aching in my back. A stabbing pain that says I lack the common sense and confidence to put an end to promises that I make in times of desperate conversation, hoping my night would be better than as in the end. Just say when.


This pretty much sums up everything about october. Now moving into november, a month that I've been planning for for a long time coming, but I guess things change. Oh well.


At least I've got some idea as to what I'm gonna do, gonna say.



Nothing lasts forever, even cold november rain.
Ah!

Happy birthday Super-perfect-especially-cause-icsicles-are-lovely Friend! (Haha! I still remember the whole thing!)

Okay, busy day today, Irene's house warming, training, then siyi's birthday thingo.

HAHA!

YAY!
Maybe it was the rain,

Maybe it was the bus ride,

Maybe it was the clouds,

Maybe it was just the moment,

Maybe it was the story,

Maybe it was the music,

But I couldn't help but feel a surge of emotion whilst watching High School Musical Three.

Never thought it'd be like this. Now it is, never thinking it'd be like that again.

What am I talking about. This sucks. There are bigger things in life. One step at a time.



One last dance, and we move out of the little shack, into the real world.
I don't think some lines should be crossed, thats why we set limits. Its all just pretty weird and disturbing, and I can't help but get the wrong idea.

It really isn't that cool actually.


Oh oh oh, floorball training. HAHA! To Sarah Cheong and Le-anne! I survived! My first training. Apparently, its supposed to be extremely slack in comparison. Goodness.

I'm prepared for challenge, and I'm all up for it.

A run for your money.
The past week was totally furikin' awesome.

Or at least, the past 10 days had been totally furikin' awesome.

Lets see when this insane plethora of fun and laughter started.

Oh right, of course, night cycling!

From East Coast Park to Dhoby Gaught to Tanglin to Serene Center to Holland Road to ACS(I) <3 to Sixth Avenue to Far East Plaza to The Cathay to National Stadium back to Frankel Avenue.

I've done things this year that I never thought I'd ever do. Including the above-mentioned thriller joy-ride!

I've felt things this year that I thought I'd never get to feel.

Next up, Yong Kun's house partaye! Haha, okay, so I got real wasted. No shame in that. At least I did not regurgitate my dinner on the floor (waited till I was downstairs and out of the house).

Hmmm... following that was just simply the weekdays. I must say, the weekdays were pretty boring and mundane because of project work, though I must admit that I have a PROJECT WORK GROUP which is as good as they can come!

Because we're all Super Good Looking!

Finally rid myself of the burden of chinese. Whew, thank you very much, no more chinese lessons ever in the history of forever (unless God forbid, I get like, below a C). I was kinda touched when I was running to get my entry proof and Lao Shi (for you non-chinese readers, or CL B readers, it is chinese for "teacher") asked me to hurry up and even asked me if I had a dictionary. Oh man, 10 months of hate for her just evaporated. Honest. I never felt like such a bad student in my life. I resolve to get her a happy teacher's day gift next year. Yes I do. After all, she did fan my ego up regularly and provided entertainment for our class on a frequent basis.

Okay. Here, I must apologise to Nathan. Sorry I couldn't make it for your birthday man.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY NATHAN!

But, I did manage to make it for the class chalet. Another insane dose of adrenaline pumping, nerve wrecking fun. Venturing into the unknown, climbing ropes and ships, playing soccer/basketball/twister, playing FM (sorry that I was so indulged in it haha), playing INDIAN poker, lying on the docks making jokes of people we know, sipping slightly warm milo in the pouring rain, waiting for the sun to rise, talking from dusk to dawn, like a scene from nights in Rodanthe.

Its was a beautiful day. I'm lucky to have benn in 4.4, and I'm lucky to be in 08A12.

Damn, I miss AC to bits, and I'm motivated to live it up in VJ, so that I'd leave the sea-side shack at the end of next year knowing that I came, I tried, and I conquered.



Watching the sun rise taught me a lesson.

The sun is always hiding behind the rain clouds, its just there, it never went away, just covered behind the thick cumulus clouds of grey, waiting to shine through after the rain washes the air clean. But, the sun is not the only source of light in the dark night sky. Just open your eyes, and you will see the other lights illuminating the darkness.


We're just people living in different rooms of the same ol' wooden shack.

Aloysius Ho Austin Collin Conrad E-jin Gabriel Hannah Hong Yi Jana Jia Hui Kai Kyra Nathan Nick Paul Raymond Samuel Tan Sing Chuen Siyi Steph Victoria Yuai Yvelyn Class 4.4 Class 08A12
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1. I see I haven't been here for quite a while.There ...
2. Dawn of a new era in my life? Probably.We are who ...
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4. Searsly.
5. And once I knew that there was a divergence in exp...
6. 'The night is darkest just before the dawn' - This...
7. And so, it was with the aid of an extremely uncomf...
8. Fuck you, I don't need your subtle jibes and probe...
9. It looks like this little slice of heaven is here ...
10. I blog, because I can. I go for supper on weekdays...

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