Posted on: Sunday, October 12, 2008
Posted at: 11:20 PM
Yesterday, I looked forward to the stayover because I wanted to drink.
Why did I want to drink? Why subject my body to the eroding corrosive effects of alcohol? Why, despite me abhoring the taste of beer lingering in my throat and the prospect of an embarrassing regurgitation, did I want to drink? Why, when I could have read a book, played soccer, go joggin for the same effect, did I drink?
Why? You really want to know why?
I'll tell you.
I drank, because I wanted to get away. I drank because I wanted to feel something to grasp my mind, and spin it around. I drank because I wanted to feel intoxicated. I drank because I wanted to feel that nothing else mattered, and all that I cared about was all that was before me. I drank because I felt empty, and wanted to be filled up, and alcohol would've done the job quite as well. I drank because drinking takes to places, it brings me to a high, and I feel that I'm flying. I drank because I'm not able.
I forget sometimes, that the higher you're lifted up, the harder you fall, slipping off the hand which had once elevated you, trying to find a foothold, but when you finally land hard with a thud, you find yourself sinking into a pit, the only way out, is if the hand which had once lifted you up and let you fall pulls you out of the sinking quagmire, and brings you to level ground.
I didn't drink last night. What stopped me was my Project Work. My practical side.
I didn't know I had a practical side. Actually, I don't.
I don't have a practical side to me. Everything I do needs to be as wonderous as possible. When I really want to, I can cast everything aside, my whole world on a standstill, just to feel the breeze pass by, just to have one more look, one more word, one more chance.
I give, oh God. How I give. I give everything, more than is required. Sometimes, more than I can really give. But, I still give. None of it is taken.
One day, I will run out of things to give, run out of reasons to give. And when that happens, please know, that from that day onwards, I will not be able to give anymore, ever.
I don't understand. What I do understand though, is that I don't need to understand. I haven't changed. No, definitely not me. I'm still the same. Always giving without want of returns. All I ever wished for, was for what I gave out to be accepted.
Obviously, I've rubbed the magic lamp more than three times.
My wishes aren't coming through.
But I still wish. I would always be wishing, day in, day out, for the same thing.
For the stars to shine brightly together, and be the light in the boundless sea of darkness.
I will always wish. But if I stop wishing, I know that the very stars which I wish to always be bright will falter. One of which, to sustain the other's light, will fizzle and transfer all its energy to the other, never to shine again.
The other, will remain shining, perhaps more brightly than ever, perhaps, dimmer than usual, but it will never fail to shine, for it is all the fizzled star wanted, for at least one of them to shine on forever.
I wish. Oh, how I wish.
